Politics

BRITAIN'S immigration policy is to be based on the use of Dulux colour charts, the government announced last night.

GORDON Brown wants taxpayers to buy him a new caravan otherwise he will be forced to steal one, Downing Street said last night.

GORDON Brown last night ordered a full inquiry into when he became prime minister as close allies admitted the Labour leader now carried the 'unmistakeable stench of death'.

TONY Blair has revealed he still has weekly conversations with Jesus and talks about everything from the Middle East peace process to the fortunes of the England football team.

PRIME minister Gordon Brown last night rejected calls to sack Alistair Darling but did remove the chancellor's right eyebrow with a blowtorch.

CITIZENS across the European Union are to be asked a series of intimate sexual questions including when they first discovered the joys of vibration.

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has admitted sending millions of bank account details to a Nigerian doctor who contacted him earlier this week.

TORY leader David Cameron has enlisted one of the party's most senior ex-convicts in his bid to become a more effective liar.

CONSERVATIVE leader David Cameron is facing fresh embarrassment after a senior backbencher described himself as 'an enthusiastic and committed racialist'.

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has made a bold move to recapture the political agenda with a series of mind-numbingly tedious initiatives.