Politics

PRIME minister Gordon Brown is to be turned into glue, it emerged last night.

SERIOUSLY, either stop this shit or kill us, Britain's electorate begged last night.

THE British National Party has launched a racially pure sandwich spread for people whose necks are wider than their heads.

NICK Clegg has pledged to clean up British politics as long as you can stick two hundred and fifty quid into his current account by the end of the week.

BRITAIN was profoundly disappointed today as the volcano-based news plume dispersed to reveal that the general election campaign has just been sitting there the whole time.

A GREY, single-breasted Marks and Spencer suit with four-button cuffs and flat-fronted trousers is almost as popular as Sir Winston Churchill, it emerged last night.

THE general election campaign was blown wide open last night after the delivery of a fresh batch of gently steaming horse excrement.

TODAY'S Northerner is now almost on a par with humans, the Conservatives have announced.

GORDON Brown has taken another small step towards finally realising what's wrong with him, it emerged last night.