Politics

NINE government ministers used £11,000 of taxpayers' money to scour Britain for the tiny handful of accountants who don't know what capital gains tax is, it emerged last night.

A NEW system of MPs' allowances was outlined by Gordon Brown last night as shamed members of parliament immediately began scouring it for scams and loopholes.

NICK Brown, the Labour chief whip, has defended his £19,000 food bill, insisting it is not cheap to feed a pet cheetah these days.

MICHAEL Martin, the Chief Shit, was clinging to office last night amid a growing revolt by all the other stinking turds.

MPs from all parties last night demanded a ban on the gigantic, irresistible, state of the art television sets at the root of the House of Commons expenses scandal.

THE audience from BBC1's Question Time was marching on London last night, parading the severed head of housing minister Margaret Beckett on a pike, like some kind of ghoulish mascot.

LABOUR MP Elliot Morley was last night confirmed as the first person in the history of the world to forget he had paid off his mortgage.

THE war of political apologies escalated last night as prime minister Gordon Brown pledged all his clothes to a charity shop and began wandering about in the buff.

THE Tories last night proved they have still got it after it was revealed that a senior MP claimed more than £2000 for drawbridge wax and moat freshener.

THE system of parliamentary expenses is a corrupt, scum-sucking, piece-of-shit, bastarding thief, MPs insisted last night.