Politics

THE general election campaign was blown wide open last night after the delivery of a fresh batch of gently steaming horse excrement.

TODAY'S Northerner is now almost on a par with humans, the Conservatives have announced.

GORDON Brown has taken another small step towards finally realising what's wrong with him, it emerged last night.

THE Tories will today present their vision of a Britain made-up of self-reliant people with greater control of their own lives who don't like all them Afghans coming over here and stinking up the place.

LABOUR unveiled its manifesto today with a bold pledge to do something really complicated and confusing with the education system.

NHS managers who help the Tories kill cancer patients will get £50 a corpse and a full set of gourmet saucepans.

GORDON Brown will once again focus Labour's election campaign on national insurance after being deafened by the collapse of his own argument.

GORDON Brown's claim to be an ordinary, middle class Briton backfired last night as millions of ordinary middle class Britons stressed just how much they hate themselves.

GORDON Brown kicked-off the general election campaign today by seriously expecting Britain to take another five years of Ed Balls and his ghastly, unbearable face.

GORDON Brown last night said he was amazed to discover that Britain had quite a lot of immigrants.