Politics

DAVID Cameron moved a step closer to Downing Street last night after Gordon Brown and Nick Clegg's ill-judged tribute to Larry Grayson.

GORDON Brown today accused the Tories of planning to scrap benefits for spiteful, racist old bitches who can freeze to death for all he cares.

LIBERAL Democrat leader Peppa Pig has insisted she could work with Labour in a hung parliament, but not under Gordon Brown.

PRIME minister Gordon Brown is to be turned into glue, it emerged last night.

SERIOUSLY, either stop this shit or kill us, Britain's electorate begged last night.

THE British National Party has launched a racially pure sandwich spread for people whose necks are wider than their heads.

NICK Clegg has pledged to clean up British politics as long as you can stick two hundred and fifty quid into his current account by the end of the week.

BRITAIN was profoundly disappointed today as the volcano-based news plume dispersed to reveal that the general election campaign has just been sitting there the whole time.

A GREY, single-breasted Marks and Spencer suit with four-button cuffs and flat-fronted trousers is almost as popular as Sir Winston Churchill, it emerged last night.