subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man voting for whoever 5G tells him to

A MAN is putting a cross next to the candidate he is commanded to by the 5G nanobots in his brainstem and bloodstream. 

Tom Booker from Ditchling, an automation controlled by the globalist world order and van driver, entered his polling station and voted like he is no more than a puppet of Bill Gates and George Soros.

He said: “Looks like Piers Corbyn was right. The Covid jab injected the nanites and they’ve got strong opinions about tax thresholds.

“As soon as I touched the little pencil, someone somewhere threw a switch and the 5G kicked in. A dial tone filled my head and I heard the Deep State debate who I should vote for. In the end they went with Ed Davey.

“I then marched to the ballot box as if being operated by remote control, dropped in my vote, and made a strange salute while barking ‘Hail the New World Order.’ So yeah, five years we’ll all be living in tunnels.

“It was a relief to be honest. I was torn between the Greens and Labour so it’s nice the choice has been made for me. Now I’ve apparently got to go home and have a Pot Noodle.”

Dog at polling station wants to vote Reform

AN ADORABLE pup waiting for his owners to cast their democratic votes would be making his X for the far-right if he could. 

Sparkle, a Jack Russell with tufty toes spotted outside a primary school in Bury South, loves treats, squeaky toys and an MP that is not afraid to say what we are all thinking about immigration.

He said: “My owners do not respect my political autonomy. They’ve put a red rosette on me like I’m a liberal snowflake afraid to lick his own balls in public.

“I’ve lived in the area all my life. And in those three years I’ve seen it go to ruin with these foreign rescue dogs shitting in our parks and chasing our swans. I’m English born and bred, mate. Backbone of this country.

“Boils my piss I’m being photographed by lefties for social media next to these Marxist mongrels. Although it’s illegal to call them that now because of woke.

“Why do I like Farage? He’s got the right idea on Europe and so-called global warming, he wouldn’t fuss around picking up my turds, and he looks like he’d smell of pork grease which appeals to my demographic.

“I work hard for this country whether it’s walking round the block, barking at the Amazon bloke or growling at children. I deserve to have my say. I’m going to eat fox shit in protest.”

Next story ›