THE Conservatives are begging the electorate to restrict Labour’s majority so they can leave government without crying. Will you give them your pity vote? 

Norman Steele, Uber driver: “I would, but I wouldn’t want them to accidentally win.”

Hannah Tomlinson, teacher: “No, but I am willing to write ‘good luck and best wishes!’ on my voting slip tomorrow. That was a great comfort to my colleague when I got her fired.”

Steve Malley, plasterer: “Yeah, how is it that Rishi’s so petite and doll-like with those big pleading eyes but isn’t cute in the slightest? So no.”

Lucy Parry, student: “I’m already giving Keir Starmer my pity vote, as in ‘pity I can’t vote for someone actually left f**king wing’.”

Martin Bishop, slum landlord: “I will. But really it’s myself I’m pitying.”