Sport

ENGLAND didn’t win, but the country really felt it had achieved something these past weeks only to be forcibly reminded it hadn’t. These bastards have ruined it.

GUTTED England fans will largely spend today listlessly doing menial tasks in between muttering ‘f**king hell’.

THE final? No chance we’ll muff it, says 19-year-old Ryan Whittaker, born six years after England ripped fans’ hearts out in 1996. Here he explains:

TONIGHT'S the night. Been lucky enough to snag a table down your local boozer? Here’s how to ruin it for everyone else.

BORIS Johnson has popped in to give an impromptu, improvised, pig-ignorant talk to the England team. Here’s the transcript:

SCOTLAND will be treated to an impromptu bank holiday this coming Monday if England are beaten by Italy, it has been confirmed.

ENGLAND won fair and square and everyone’s jealous. But malcontents are whispering about some dive-penalty-laser-pen-cheating crap. Here’s how to correct them:

SUDDENLY discovered a deep love of football now that everyone else is into it? Here’s how to be extremely annoying about it.

ARE you still dangerously high on England’s latest victory over Denmark? It can’t last, particularly when we play Italy, so here’s how to beat your addiction before it gets out of control. 

FANCY showing your support for the England team but also want to look like you’ve never dressed yourself before? Prime minister Boris Johnson explains how to do it.