How to wear an England shirt like a f**king weirdo, by Boris Johnson

FANCY showing your support for the England team but also want to look like you’ve never dressed yourself before? Prime minister Boris Johnson explains how to do it.

Stand awkwardly like a shop mannequin

If you’re a Tory politician you’ll already be an old hand at standing like a freak. Legs spread wider than your shoulders, you know the drill. Football matches require a different sort of awkwardness though, so blend in with the hoi polloi by putting your hands on your hips with all the grace of a dummy in a New Look window.

Fundamentally misunderstand clothes

To truly look as weird as I did last night you need to misunderstand clothes at a fundamental level. I’ve dedicated my whole life to being baffled by clothing, which is why I always look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards and thought that my office clobber was suitable attire for my wedding.

Wear it over your normal clothes

Take a look around you. Is anyone else in a stadium filled with thousands of people wearing their England shirt on top of a shirt and tie? No, because it looks absolutely bloody ridiculous. Even the fans wearing face paint and England themed novelty clown wigs will sneer at your tasteless display of support.

Put it on sort of backwards

Was I wearing it back to front, or does clothing just look inherently weird on my body? It’s hard to tell. The logo was in the right place, and my name was on the back as it should be, but the collar looks too high up. Any normal person would covertly check the label just to be sure, so don’t do that if you’re trying to look like me.

Get one of those personalised shirts

Wearing a shirt with your name on it is a bit twatty even when ordinary people do it, but if you’re the leader of the country it just looks arrogant. Especially if you’ve previously failed to condemn people booing the team you’re apparently supporting. It’s almost as if you’re actually trying to score cheap political points as your party haemorrhages voters.

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Five movie dogs that put your piss-lazy hound to shame

EVERYONE thinks their beloved pet dog is special. Although the lazy little bastard hasn’t achieved even half as much as some of these famous dogs.

Lassie, from Lassie

The quintessentially helpful movie dog, alerting its owners to fires, storms and people trapped in mines. This dog performed every function of the emergency services. Your dog, on the other hand, often appears to be confused by its own farts.

Beethoven, from Beethoven

The St. Bernard in Beethoven essentially becomes the surrogate father of a family of three and helps break up a crime syndicate dealing in stolen animals. The next time you’re washing your mutt’s piss from your carpet, stop and consider just what it’s bringing to the table.

Toto, from The Wizard of Oz

Toto not only helped free his owner from imprisonment but also revealed the Wizard of Oz to be little more than a con artist. Without wishing to cast aspersions about your dog’s abilities, if you do ever end up imprisoned, it’ll be a frustrating wait if you’re expecting your hound to come and free you.

Buddy, from Air Bud

Look, you may have a certain fondness for your own dog, but look at it now – perhaps licking itself – and ask: ‘How many slam dunks has my dog performed in its life?’ The answer is ‘none’. Your dog therefore can’t even hold a candle to Buddy and his on-court exploits.

Jack, from The Artist

This dog was, in many ways, the emotional glue that held one of the most acclaimed movie’s of the 2010s together. As a result the movie won five Academy Awards. Your hound almost certainly doesn’t even have an IMDb page, let alone one as decorated as this terrier’s.

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