ENGLAND won fair and square and everyone’s jealous. But malcontents are whispering about some dive-penalty-laser-pen-cheating crap. Here’s how to correct them:
Sterling dived
The challenge on Raheem Sterling by ruthless giant Joakim Mæhle was among the harshest ever seen in football. Estimated as carrying enough force to write off a Vauxhall Corsa, Sterling only survived by throwing himself free. The penalty was nailed on.
There were two balls on the pitch
If no other team in this championship has scored enough points to unlock the multiball, the shame is theirs and not ours. All England should be embarrassed about is failing to score two goals simultaneously when presented with a golden opportunity to do so.
England fans shone a laser pen in the goalkeeper’s face
There’s no proof it was England fans. It could have anyone – an absent-minded hitman using his telescopic sight for a better view, a cat owner trying to amuse their pet, or aliens. In any case, hailing from the land of the midnight sun means Danes are at their most comfortable when squinting into blinding light. The laser probably helped.
Harry Kane missed the penalty
Harry Kane did not – could not – miss a penalty, because he is the reincarnation of Richard the Lionheart. Instead, because like all Englishmen he savours irony, he allowed the Danes a few seconds to believe they had a chance before coolly slotting home the rebound just to see the look on their stupid Lego faces.
Denmark only had 10 men in extra time
In Denmark football games often finish early because players drift off to visit the Little Mermaid, listen to Aqua or simply leaf through pornography. If a Danish player got stuck into the post-game poached cod early that’s hardly England’s fault. Indeed, by failing to take advantage with a further six goals we proved ourselves Euro 2020’s gentlemen.
