Sport

THE only reason Britain isn't leading the medals table is because we're not doing the sports we excel at. Here are the events we'd take gold in:

ALL this talk about ‘mental health’ you get today. ‘Ooh, Mr Site Manager, can I take the day off, I’ve got to look after my mental health instead of doing my job.’ What a load of bollocks.

JAPAN has been urged by the international community to drop this whole time difference bollocks until the end of the Olympic Games.

A MAN who went to school with Olympian Tom Daley had admitted he feels the diver’s first gold medal is in some small way his, too.

A MAN watching lycra-clad people perform some physical bollocks according to impenetrable rules is pretty confident this must be the Olympics.

A MIDDLE-AGED man is convinced he could be an Olympic athlete if he was essentially a completely different person, it has emerged.

ENGLAND didn’t win, but the country really felt it had achieved something these past weeks only to be forcibly reminded it hadn’t. These bastards have ruined it.

GUTTED England fans will largely spend today listlessly doing menial tasks in between muttering ‘f**king hell’.

THE final? No chance we’ll muff it, says 19-year-old Ryan Whittaker, born six years after England ripped fans’ hearts out in 1996. Here he explains:

TONIGHT'S the night. Been lucky enough to snag a table down your local boozer? Here’s how to ruin it for everyone else.