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George Best and other sports stars today's modern, pansy athletes can’t compare to

MONEY and woke rules have ruined modern sports, according to old-school fan Roy Hobbs. Here’s his take on why today’s athletes can never compare to these gods:

George Best

Before VAR and the invention of diving by the French, football was a proper, masculine sport. George Best would have had no time for all the namby-pamby, salad-eating, alcohol-free crap that today’s players indulge in. He drank 15 pints every day and died at the age of 59, like a real man.

Alex Higgins

Anyone who’s ever tried to accurately strike a snooker ball while holding a lit fag between pursed lips knows how impressive the career of Alex Higgins is. As well as being good at the game, he was an impressively violent bloke who punched referees during play, and also squandered three million quid on booze, drugs and gambling. What a hero.

Nigel Mansell

Thanks to some bad PR from several historic dictators, the moustache has gone out of favour among real men. Yet anyone of a certain vintage knows that there was no greater ‘tache than Nigel Mansell’s, and no greater racing driver. He’s sadly shaved it off since he stopped racing and lost all his power. His wife probably made him, like Delilah did to Samson.

John McEnroe

In the old days there was no fancy camera to show if a tennis ball was out or not, so the umpire had to guess. And if you didn’t like their decision, you could throw a massive tantrum and chuck things around, like you do when someone spills your pint in a pub. John McEnroe was the king of this. Legend.

Maradona

Yes, Maradona is foreign, but I’m prepared to overlook that because he’s such a geezer. Only a proper man would have the balls to get away with blatant cheating by calling it ‘The hand of God’. Bonus points to him for pissing off Gary Lineker in the England squad, who has subsequently turned out to be the kind of woke leftie that is ruining Britain.

Pampas grass means swingers: Sex secrets of the suburbs

THE British suburbs may seem a sexless desert of women in gardening kneepads and men washing cars, but they are actually red-hot pits of depravity. These are the signs: 

Pampas grass

As everyone knows, a proudly waving clump of pampas grass outside a home unfailingly means the occupants are wife-swappers who hold Saturday orgies with other married couples, at which they serve trays of nibbles. The friendly sway of the soft pampas fronds is a lure to the shaggers’ club within.

Converted garage

There’s only one reason for a garage conversion: a sex den. One that’s outfitted with stripper pole, love swing, hand-cranked three-dildo f**k machine and four mirrored walls. That’s what they’re doing in there. Never accept the loan of a drill. You don’t know where it’s been.

9pm Thursday night dogging

They’ve all got dogs and they all walk them religiously, but Thursday’s when it happens. That’s the day you’ll see them all, young and old, heading to the picnic benches in the park for their weekly outdoor sex show. All standing round wanking frenziedly, then going home as if they’re perfectly respectable and it never happens. But it does.

Every fourth house is an online brothel

The internet is swarming with OnlyFans housewives and they have to live somewhere. While the kids are at school they’re upstairs in panties logged on to some bloke in Malaysia. Check the wifi as you go past. If it’s the default router name that’s a sure sign.

‘No Turning’ sign in driveway

The centre of the street’s LGBTQ activities. Turning in their driveway brings the homeowner out immediately, ready to perform any number of lustful acts, which is why they’re furious when you drive away, and bang angrily on the window whenever they see your car after that. Because they’re gagging for suburban sex.

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