Sport

BORIS Johnson has popped in to give an impromptu, improvised, pig-ignorant talk to the England team. Here’s the transcript:

SCOTLAND will be treated to an impromptu bank holiday this coming Monday if England are beaten by Italy, it has been confirmed.

ENGLAND won fair and square and everyone’s jealous. But malcontents are whispering about some dive-penalty-laser-pen-cheating crap. Here’s how to correct them:

SUDDENLY discovered a deep love of football now that everyone else is into it? Here’s how to be extremely annoying about it.

ARE you still dangerously high on England’s latest victory over Denmark? It can’t last, particularly when we play Italy, so here’s how to beat your addiction before it gets out of control. 

FANCY showing your support for the England team but also want to look like you’ve never dressed yourself before? Prime minister Boris Johnson explains how to do it.

A MULTI-ETHNIC team descended from immigrants who take the knee at every game are winning the absolute f**k out of this, it has emerged.

ENGLAND fans have agreed it is necessary to leave work at lunch in order to catch the game at 8pm this evening.

THE England team has reminded viewers ahead of tonight’s match that they hear every word of the support and advice screamed at your TV.

ENGLAND are 2-0 down in their semi-final with ten minutes to go, so this could be the last chance to get your face up on everyone’s Ultra HD. Here’s how.