Sport

A MULTI-ETHNIC team descended from immigrants who take the knee at every game are winning the absolute f**k out of this, it has emerged.

ENGLAND fans have agreed it is necessary to leave work at lunch in order to catch the game at 8pm this evening.

THE England team has reminded viewers ahead of tonight’s match that they hear every word of the support and advice screamed at your TV.

ENGLAND are 2-0 down in their semi-final with ten minutes to go, so this could be the last chance to get your face up on everyone’s Ultra HD. Here’s how.

ENGLAND fans are lost in reassuring fantasies where suddenly Gareth Southgate appears to fix everything in a humble, middle-aged way. Here are six of them.

AN England fan is unable to believe the world truly exists if it is one where England won a European Championship quarter-final four-nil.

THE match tonight needs a drinking game, and it can’t be based on goals because England have only scored four in three weeks. Use these rules:

TONIGHT’S game will be repeatedly interrupted by your mother, who last watched football in July 2018. This is what she’ll ask:

AN England fan born eight years after England’s World Cup victory has decided that last night’s quarter-finals qualifier were probably better.

DID you massively overdo it last night? Is your hangover marring your joy at England’s win? Here’s how to survive a day of football-induced alcohol poisoning.