Politics

THE public is relieved Boris Johnson has pulled out of the leadership race because he would have made a mockery of an already ridiculous process.

EVERYONE seems to think the reason I pulled out of the leadership race was because I didn’t get enough support. On the contrary, the truth is that I had too much.

BRITAIN has been asked to choose from a leader who will either screw them, shaft them or f**k them, it has emerged.

YOUR big fat blonde cheating lying bastard of an ex has heard you are single again and has put in a call.

THE party that chose an amateur chainsaw-juggler to perform her act on the roof of a burning orphanage believes a general election would be dangerous and irresponsible.

A SCREAMING whirlpool of burning shit and ruined futures worsening day by day is the new normal, Britain has confirmed.

THE anti-growth coalition has well and truly proven that if you call them out they will f**k you up.

HER Majesty, who passed away last month, would have gotten a massive kick out of watching the current political turmoil, it has been confirmed.

SUELLA Braverman’s pedestrian unpleasantness was feeble compared to the pure, glittering evil of her predecessor, British people have confirmed.

FOOTAGE has emerged of a shirtless Jacob Rees-Mogg standing outside the parliamentary lobbies urging colleagues to ‘have a f**king go’.