Politics

THE man who has condemned you and your family to years of freezing poverty did not enjoy doing so, he has confirmed.

GOOD morning, plebs. You’re going to hear a lot about cuts to public services today. Let me, Jeremy Hunt, explain why you don’t really need these.

JEREMY Hunt is to tell the UK that at this stage there is no saving it and it would be better for everyone if it were put to sleep.

DOMINIC Raab has told an independent investigator that he has never bullied anyone, while slamming him repeatedly against a wall in the House of Commons. 

TWO-AND-A-HALF years after Boris Johnson triumphantly led us out of the EU, how’s your own personal Brexit deal looking?

THE British public is relieved to see that disgraced Cabinet ministers are resigning in ignominy on a monthly basis once again.

GAVIN Willamson offered an ex-chief whip abuse, Tony Blair an arms deal and Sir David Attenborough a pair of breeding tarantulas to get into the Queen’s funeral. These are his texts.

NEED to talk about the current crises facing the country without mentioning one of the biggest contributing factors? Skirt around Brexit effortlessly with this guide.

HAVEN’T got two pennies to rub together? Worried about paying higher taxes? Let me, Rishi Sunak, explain why forking out a fortune you don’t have is actually really fun and cool.

GOOD day, Britain. I’m Matt Hancock, your former health secretary, and I’d like you all to attend my mid-life crisis.