Politics

NADHIM Zahawi has demanded that since he is sacked from the Cabinet because of his tax, he wants the £6 million back.

THE Tories have lost Rod Stewart, but does that mean it’s all over for them in the crucial 1970s soft-rocker demographic? We asked the greats.

‘WHY hasn’t Zahawi resigned?’ ask the media, and I laugh. Honestly, if I dismissed him for that where would I be when you find out about my tax avoidance?

WHAT’S the use of a population that spends years sitting around doing f**k all? Here the Department for Work and Pensions explains the reasons behind the new age hike.

NADHIM Zahawi is happy to be investigated as long as the media do not discover his private island with his likeness carved into a cliff-face.

GAMMONS are thrilled that the government blocking the gender recognition bill has annoyed weirdos and put uppity Scots in their place simultaneously.

BORIS Johnson has seen how many books Prince Harry has sold and announced his tell-all memoir. It will skirt around these key areas.

SCOTLAND has chosen to pick rather an unusual fight with England, residents of both countries have agreed.

PROSPEROUS Southern towns are to be systematically run down to the same level as deprived ‘Red Wall’ Northern towns, it has been announced.

FORMER prime minister Boris Johnson is not only to be removed from Grant Shapps’ photos but from all recorded history.