Politics

ARE you due to become a Tory peer, probably after giving them a lot of money? You’ll need a title for your new role. Since it’s made up, here are some suggestions for your new grifting name.

EVERYTHING’S fine, that’s the news! The strikers will get bored eventually! The cold’s a blip, there won’t be blackouts, and my party will warm to me!

WOMEN could have told you Baroness Mone’s PPE would be overpriced and unusable because the same went for her bras.

LIBERAL Remainer who unfailingly votes Labour? Thanks to Keir Starmer’s hard line on the EU, you’re a Brexiter now. Here’s how to modify your behaviour.

ARE you sad enough to read Matt Hancock’s account of the Covid crisis, Pandemic Diaries? Here are the ‘best’ bits so at least you don't have to buy the Daily Mail for the serialisation.

WAS your vote for Brexit the best thing ever in 2016, but now you’re broke, hungry and immigration’s higher than ever? Here’s why it’s still great.

RED Wall voters are rallying to the Tories after learning of Labour’s class war plan to strip charitable status from their beloved private schools.

GIVEN that MPs can now claim Christmas party expenses, it’s only fair that taxpayers are allowed to organise them. Here are some ideas.

I HAVEN’T just kissed a Tory. I’ve had depraved no-holes-barred f**k sessions with like-minded swingers of every political persuasion. Read my sex diary if you dare.

A DIEHARD Tory is struggling to blame every aspect of yesterday’s tax-raising, service-cutting Autumn Statement on immigration.