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Lord Davros of Fraggle Rock: How to make up your corrupt Tory peer name

ARE you due to become a Tory peer, probably after giving them a lot of money? You’ll need a title for your new role, in which you get a large allowance and subsidised meals to help you feather your nest.

Since it’s made up, let your imagination roam free with these suggestions for your new grifting name.

Old family pet name + favourite sexual position

A chance to honour a dead pet and express the sexual you. Possibilities: Lord Rufus of Prone, Lady Tigger of Anal, Lord Rover of Sandwich.

Favourite drink + favourite Carry On actors

We’re all fond of a tipple and Carry On films so why not become them? Possibilities: Lord Beer of Hawtrey, Lady Babycham of Jacques, Lady Scrumpy Jack of Windsor.

Street you grew up in + favourite drug

A respectful nod to both your past and preferred illegal high. Possibilities: Lord Bramley Road of Gak, Lady Cul-De-Sac of Ecstasy, Lord High Street of Skunk.

Favourite kids’ TV programme + most shameful fantasy

Charming nostalgia coupled with your warped sexual urges. Possibilities: Lord Playschool of Feltz, Lady Clangers of Hancock-In-The-Rear, Lord Bagpuss of School Uniforms.

Favourite confectionery + place you lost your virginity

Mediocre chocolate bars are part of our national identity, and where you popped the cherry is part of your personal one. Possibilities: Lady Marsbar of Carpark, Lady Bounty of Pew, Lord Twix of Notyethappened.

Memorable childhood Christmas present + most common noise or phrase while lovemaking 

Childhood and adulthood combined in one unhealthy title. Possibilities: Lady Monopoly of Yesyesyesyesyes, Lord Lego of Jawohl Mein Fuhrer, Lady Mariocart of Don’t Worry, It Happens.

Alcohol-free gin, and other drinks that should make you get a grip and have a Diet Coke

ARE you blowing cash on pointless nonsense like alcohol-free gin when you may as well just have a Diet Coke? You’ve probably bought these others too.

Alcohol-free gin

People might waffle on about the delicious botanical properties of gin, but ultimately it could taste like methylated spirits and they’d still drink it if it got them pissed. What’s the point of blowing £20 on an alcohol-free version when you could buy three cases of Diet Coke instead? You’ll just look like a twat and be out of pocket.

Nosecco

Does it taste fruity? Or perhaps of elderflower? Or mainly of nothing with a slight hint of cat’s piss? It’s definitely the latter, and all it will do is make you gassy and burpy without the added benefit of getting you drunk. Even the name is a terrible pun that no intelligent human should associate themselves with.

Zero per cent white wine

Unless you can afford a decent bottle, all white wine tastes like Satan’s urine after he’s had a night out on the lash. Remove the alcohol content and it becomes not only nasty but also utterly pointless. Seriously, just have a glass of the 1980s designated driver’s favourite, Shloer. People will think you’re less of a weirdo.

Hard seltzer

While some people want non-alcoholic drinks that taste like booze, others want boozy drinks that taste like they’re alcohol-free, hence the popularity of hard seltzer. Unfortunately, if it tastes like fruity sparkling water you’ll be necking it like Appletiser, and be shitfaced before you’ve even taken your coat off.

Low-alcohol craft beer

Craft beer is made for enthusiasts who love spending their evenings in deep discussion about hop flavours and yeast combinations. Unfortunately low alcohol craft beer has zero mouthfeel and tastes like sweetened water, so there’s no point in drinking it. Have a can of Fanta instead. You must surely get some sort of buzz from that much sugar.

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