ARE you sad enough to read Matt Hancock’s account of the Covid crisis, Pandemic Diaries? Here are the ‘best’ bits so at least you don’t have to buy the Daily Mail for the serialisation.
The tough choices of shagging someone younger
No parent wants to have to choose between their children and a smokin’ hot piece of ass. But if you meet that special person who’s better than your wife, choose you must. ‘Being a grown-up is complicated,’ I told the kids in a group email. ‘But children are resilient. If anyone is the victim here it’s me.’
How I stopped Covid in its tracks
The government’s response to Covid was dogged by U-turns and incompetence. Someone had to take charge of this mess, which I did by ensuring a mate with no relevant experience provided medical supplies and another Tory crony provided a test-and-trace system whose only minor flaw was not working. Cometh the hour, cometh the Matt.
My feud with Dominic Cummings
Dominic and I were diametrically opposed in every way. Here was a man who brazenly flaunted Covid rules, which I only did twice. He showed little concern for victims of Covid, whereas I shoved the old biddies back in their care homes to drop dead in comfort with a biscuit and a cup of tea. Above all he was a geeky dickhead with a receding hairline. It’s no wonder there was friction between two such different people.
Matt Hancock the lover
People see me as a rugged leader of men, but I’m actually a very sensual lover who loves to bury the old beef bayonet. It’s no exaggeration to say that I regularly take Gina to new heights of sexual excitement never before experienced by a woman. My secret? I can last up to five minutes if I think really hard about blocked toilets.
My moving redemption story on ITV’s I’m A Celebrity
It was with some trepidation that I went on I’m A Celebrity. I needn’t have worried. I was the public’s favourite, and they made me to do one demeaning, stomach-turning challenge after another just to see more of me. I made some great friends, like Mike Tindall, who paid me the traditional rugby players’ compliment of pissing in my bed every night.
The future
After a high-flying political career, showbusiness success and now becoming a top author like Shakespeare, what mountain is left for me to climb? The obvious answer is: being the first man on Mars. I’ve DMd Elon Musk and everyone I’ve spoken to has given their enthusiastic support for me being blasted into space.
