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Scotland secretly relieved it won't have to do independence

SCOTLAND is quietly relieved that, with the departure of Nicola Sturgeon, this whole independence thing will be considered dead and buried.

The country, which is not really that keen on going it alone, continued to back Sturgeon and the SNP while keeping their lack of interest in a second referendum to themselves.

Bill McKay of Inverness said: “Aye, she was a good lass and a decent first minister, so we indulged her Indyref2 thing. It wasn’t going to happen. We’d already voted against it.

“But she was so set on it that we let her go to the supreme court and all that nonsense. Don’t get me wrong – I hate England, but it all feels like a bit of a risk to me.”

Mary Fisher of Oban agreed: “My husband likes model trains, but apart from that he’s a pretty good husband. Everyone’s got their thing. Independence was hers.

“Hopefully this next one will be ever so proud of being Scottish but not really willing to do anything about it, like most of us. More of an Irn-Bru-and-tablet nationalism. That’s what we’re comfortable with.”

She added: “Oh, and if anyone thinks I’m learning Gaelic they can get to f**k.”

The best sexual positions for doing other activities

DO you get bored during sex due to your partner’s pitiful performance? Here are the best positions for doing something more interesting while it’s going on. 

Doggystyle

Gives you an unimpeded view of the TV, although the woman may have to strain her neck a bit. Invaluable if you’re both hooked on Happy Valley, but risks feelings of deep shame if the man ejaculates just as Lenny Henry’s face appears in an ad for Comic Relief. 

The wheelbarrow

The woman supports herself with her hands on the floor as the man lifts her up and enters her from behind. Great for deep penetration and picking up bits of fluff the hoover has missed. You might even find a lost earring.

Oral on her knees

Has submissive overtones that will make him feel as if he’s in a porn film. More importantly, his standing position allows him to look around freely, perhaps out of the window to decide if the lawn needs mowing this weekend, or just to have a good nosy at the neighbours’ new patio.

Kivin Method

Stimulating the vulva from the side orally. With your partner out of the way on the other side of the bed, it’s handy for seeing if there’s anything worth listening to on your clock radio. On the subject of oral sex, don’t bother with 69, all you can see is pubes and it’s useless for doing anything else.

Reverse cowgirl 

Are you a man with a good book on the go, but your partner is more into films? Reverse cowgirl is the perfect position. If she can finally see Glass Onion and you can enjoy rewatching another hilarious episode of Peep Show, you’re really in touch with each other’s sexual needs. 

Standing

Also known as a ‘knee-trembler’ and commonly performed against a wall outdoors, this allows you to get sex out of the way while discussing what to have for dinner and whether you’re short of toilet paper or dishwasher tablets, then head round the corner and do the big shop at Asda.

Coital alignment technique

Superficially similar to missionary, this uses a rocking motion to stimulate the clitoris. Performed properly it should result in a powerful orgasm, but that’s unlikely to happen with your partner ineptly humping away, so use the time to have a good think about a whole new colour scheme for the bedroom.  

Helicopter

The man and woman face down and away from each other with the man’s legs on her back and the penis entering the vagina from above. Very much an advanced lovemaking technique, but worth persevering with because the woman can easily use her iPad, while the man’s hands are free for anything from looking at porn on his phone to building an Airfix kit.

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