PROSPEROUS Southern towns are to be systematically run down to the same level as deprived ‘Red Wall’ Northern towns, it has been announced.
The government hopes the move will finally make good on their promise that ‘We are all in this together’, as well as defusing North-South resentment and helping restore national unity.
Prime minister Rishi Sunak said: “I get it. You’re living in one of these godforsaken Northern towns, Workington or Hoghole or Dogdirt, and everything’s boarded up thanks to decades of wokery and the EU.
“You see images of Southern people with their conservatories and double garages and big gardens in places like Tunbridge Wells and you think, ‘‘Eh oop! That’s not fair, by t’ecky thump!’
“We thought about levelling up but that’s not fiscally realistic after Truss. There are no magic money trees, the credit card has maxed out and we can’t afford it as a national household.
“So instead we’re going to introduce economically suicidal policies, funneling money and resources to a vanishingly tiny super-elite which ensures that currently well-to-do towns in Kent, Surrey and Sussex are reduced to the sort of run-down shitholes you get up North.”
“The great thing is, as 2016 and 2019 show, when communities are left to rot they’re even more inclined to vote Brexit or Tory.
“So let’s get levelling down until even the most picturesque village in the Cotswolds is just vape shops and spice addicts.”
