‘WHY hasn’t Zahawi resigned?’ ask the media, and I laugh. Honestly, if I dismissed him for that where would I be when you find out about my tax avoidance?
Credit to Nadhim, when he gets a £27 million windfall his first thought is ‘How do I stop the tax bastards getting hold of this?’ I admire his instincts.
But he was clumsy and obvious. His tax avoidance had no style, no élan. ‘Blundering around like that makes the rest of us look bad,’ I told him, while agreeing he deserved to stay chairman because at least he didn’t just pay it like a mug.
The truth is I couldn’t find it in my heart to punish him because, compared to the sheer scope of my international tax-avoiding architecture, it’s nothing.
Honestly, it is a thing of beauty. A vast network of shell companies with offices in a glittering range of tax havens, all interconnected in a byzantine labyrinth of directorships, so complicated even the most dedicated auditor could never unpick it.
The media will find out. There’s too many millions for them not to. When they do I will stand there, Zahawi by my side, and proclaim proudly that I will not be resigning.
‘In post-Brexit Britain,’ I will say, ‘avoiding tax is not a crime. It is a patriotic duty. Why else did we leave the EU if not to be free of its unreasonable demands that rich people chip in a bit?’
The public, led by the Sun and the Mail and the Telegraph, will cheer. We will begin a new era together as the world’s first no-tax nation. And I personally will get a £66 million rebate from HMRC.
