HAVE you never quite got the hang of man stuff? Here are some common masculinity problems and how you can address them in your weak, effeminate way.
You hate confrontation
The thought of getting into an argument at work makes you sick with fear. To be honest, you suspect you might cry if your dentist criticises your flossing too harshly.
Solution: People who thrive on confrontation live in a permanent state of conflict. Every meal has something to complain about, every co-worker is incompetent, and so on. Emulate these bellends. It may result in a coronary aged 55, but you’ll be remembered as a man who wasn’t afraid of confrontation. Or a massive pain in the arse.
You’ve never killed anyone
This feels very much like something a real man ought to have done. (In a just way, like in a Western, not accidentally driving into a bus queue.)
Solution: Apart from joining the army (see below) there’s not much you can do. You could become a vigilante like Charles Bronson, but if you live in a picturesque village in Wiltshire there may be a shortage of lowlife street punks.
You’re physically weak
A constant source of worry. Not only do you not live up to male stereotypes, you’re unable to defend yourself if physically threatened.
Solution: Take up bodybuilding. The only problem is, once you’re ripped you need to make the effort worth it by asserting your physical dominance over other men by starting fights. It’s just bad luck for the weedy student in the kebab shop whose head you had to kick in.
You can’t do sex like in Hollywood films
Your lovemaking is not a two-hour extreme workout, causing your partner to reach ever-higher levels of ecstasy until she screams uncontrollably.
Solution: Sorry, but that’s just an average, run-of-the-mill shag for real men. Your only option is to buy a spray off the internet that makes your penis numb and hope your knob doesn’t turn blue and fall off.
You’re not an alpha male businessman
The mark of a successful man is business cliches. You need to wear a Rolex, say things like ‘We’re playing with the big boys now’ and do business deals on a yacht with a woman in a bikini nearby. The most dynamic thing about your job is occasional free biscuits.
Solution: Get a job that requires you to wear a suit, then just pretend you’re Gordon f**king Gekko. Every deluded sales tosser and middle-management nobody does it.
You’ve never been in the army
Growing up male is basically being indoctrinated to join the army, with Action Man, war films, Andy McNab books and a billion other pieces of propaganda. Even if you’re not desperate to be cannon fodder, you should want to join the RAF.
Solution: Join up. You can be surprisingly old (anything under 50) if you’re physically fit. However there are still many obstacles, such as upending your entire life and cowardice. Luckily, if you’re unable to join the army for whatever reason, there are socially acceptable ways to channel your military fetishism, such as collecting books about the Nazis and samurai swords. Probably best to stick with that.
