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Gammons celebrating after pissing off minorities and the Scottish all at once

GAMMONS are thrilled that the government blocking the gender recognition bill has annoyed weirdos and put uppity Scots in their place simultaneously.

After struggling for years to get their way against the all-powerful forces of wokeness, perpetually furious, puce-faced Boomers are delighted at their ‘two birds with one stone’ victory.

Roy Hobbs, from Swindon, said: “Nothing has gone right for us since Brexit. Not that Brexit isn’t a brilliant success, because it is, but leftie liberals want to steal it from us.

“Now they want to take away everything that’s normal and heterosexual, like beauty contests, pinching ladies’ bums on the bus and using the phrase ‘shirt-lifter’ for a laugh.

“Then there’s those bolshy Scots, who I hate, always making a fuss about independence. I’d tell them to f**k right off if I wasn’t also inexplicably and illogically obsessed with maintaining the Union.

“What’s a GRC? I dunno. But if it upsets a vulnerable minority group and gets on Nicola Sturgeon’s tits, then I’m all for it.

“Or against it. Whichever. I can’t actually be arsed to find out.”

How to avoid being a victim of police crime. By the Metropolitan Police

CRIMES by the police are on the increase, but you can deter police officers with some simple precautions. Follow this advice and don’t become another police crime statistic. 

Don’t be a woman

Women should dress as men, or have gender reassignment surgery. You’ll soon get used to having a todger, and it’s a proven turn-off for homophobic officers who prefer having ‘bantz’ about ‘arse bandits’ to catching criminals.

Get a security peephole or video doorbell

Don’t open the door if a visitor looks suspicious. Telltale signs include: a hat with a chequered band, a stab-proof vest and behaving in a superior, obstructive way if you ask them a straightforward question.

Find out what their nickname is

In a close-knit workplace like the police, many officers have nicknames. If it’s something like ‘Big Robbo’ or ‘Dan the man’ there is nothing to fear, probably. However if it’s ‘The Beast’, ‘Skullf**ker’ or ‘Paedophile Paul’ their colleagues may be subtly hinting that something is amiss. 

Get window locks

If a determined police officer is trying to break into your home, window locks combined with double glazing will buy you vital time to ring 999 and hope that the next lot of police to arrive aren’t mates of theirs.

Don’t put yourself in risky situations 

Controversial, but we just ask that women use common sense. Get a male friend to pick you up if you’re walking home alone late at night, or during the day. Stay away from pavements, roads, parks and pedestrianised areas – anywhere a policeman might be ‘patrolling’. Above all avoid police stations. Any woman who goes there is asking for it.

Do not go to school

Several teenage girls have been given internal searches at school on suspicion of possessing drugs. Simply never attend school, and to further minimise the risk, don’t be black. 

Ask the police for ID

Criminals pretending to be policemen is a persistent problem. However real officers carry an official ID card. Always ask to see it, and if it appears to be genuine, run.

Join the police

Most police officers won’t attack a colleague, once you’re out of Hendon Police College anyway. If you are a member of ‘the thin blue line’ too they won’t want to rock the boat because of their pension. And you can amuse yourself throughout your career by treating members of the public like scum.

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