Celebrity

TAYLOR Swift is coming to the UK and single after a bad split with him from The 1975. All’s fair in love and war, so here’s how to worm your way into Ms Swift’s affections while she’s here:

IF Holly Willoughby is issuing heartfelt apologies for stuff she apparently knew nothing about, perhaps she should say sorry for these too.

PRINCE Harry has been strongly condemned for the actions he is taking in this court case which is about whatever it is about.

HOLLY Willoughby is to open This Morning by announcing she is to ITV daytime like unto a God, and there is but one God and there were never two.

WITH no biological clock to follow, rich male celebrities can do whatever they want at any time of life. Including these things ladies and pathetic normal men can only dream of.

I’VE taken a long, hard at my behaviour recently, and I can reach only one conclusion: I love you, Phillip, and we should get married.

YOU can’t hold on to grudges all your life, because in the end? The person you’re really hurting is yourself. Let me help you let go.

SOMETIMES it’s nice to go home. Unzip and remember former passions with these comforting wanks of times past.

HELLO, subjects. Because I’m normal like everyone, I’ve been closely watching docu-soap Succession for tips on deposing one's father without anyone noticing.

YESTERDAY the world lost the iconic performer Tina Turner. But, tragically, she has left no song whose title can be used as a headline in tribute to her.