ARE you a brainwashed follower of some of the worst people in the world, parasitically leeching off their dubious success? Here are some truly tragic fanbases.
Elon Musk stans
Yes, he has a lot of money. No, he won’t give any of it to you. He made some good investments, which is why he’s got billions to waste on colonising the airless Hell of Mars. But he’s not a heroic Ayn Rand superman, he’s a whiny little shit, which is why he called those scuba diving rescuers ‘pedos’ on Twitter, the phenomenally popular website everyone hates now.
Young Conservatives
These twats forgo experimenting with drugs or losing their virginity, preferring to spend their time worshipping and campaigning for MPs that look like Dickensian ghosts. Go and talk to a real girl – not Andrea Leadsom at an anti-EU fringe meeting – and see if it makes you grow out of hating the NHS. Dressing like bank managers and country squires aged 17 is pretty sad too.
Game of Thrones enthusiasts
You watch every second, but the TV series isn’t as good as the 900-page doorstops you call books. You’re still furious about season eight. Genuinely furious, like you could flip out and kill someone who innocently says: ‘Has it got hobbits in it?’ Look, care about the family trees of dragons all you want, you just need to understand that nobody else gives a flying f**k.
Reply guys
Who hasn’t dreamt of a beautiful celebrity noticing and falling in love with us, so reply with alacrity to every Taylor Swift or Florence Pugh tweet. However, the odds of this already fantastical event happening are significantly reduced by your chosen method of romancing them – hundreds of unfunny, unsolicited, stalkerish comments on every single post.
Sneaker heads
Trainers are cool, so collecting them is, in theory, not as loser-ish as collecting dusty old coins or endangered birds’ eggs. But that’s before you’ve seen the state of the kicks they’re spending their life savings on. All kept immaculate in plastic coatings, of course. Nothing says ‘cool’ like being petrified of getting dirt on your shoe.
Chelsea fans
Going on the rampage because your little boys in blue won/lost is perhaps the saddest fanboy behaviour of all. Start following a sport not known for physical violence, such as dressage. Not badminton though. As soon as the last shuttlecock has wafted over the net, the ultra-violent badminton ‘firms’ start carving each other up with Stanley knives.
