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Harry and Meghan the new Katie Price and Peter Andre

HARRY and Meghan have graciously stepped up to take the place in the public’s hearts that was once reserved for Katie Price and Peter Andre. 

The couple, who are sharing every detail of their tawdry, jewel-encrusted lives with the world, hope to be as beloved as the reality stars were in the years 2004 to 2009.

A friend of the couple said: “Nobody can ever forget how dazzlingly Katie and Peter burned during those glory years. Harry and Meghan are no exception.

“The romance began when they were camping in Botswana and Meghan said ‘This is just like Katie & Peter: African Adventures.’ Harry’s heart lifted at her intimate knowledge of the couple the whole of Britain loved.

“They resolved to be just like them. Starring in Suits was Meghan’s Page 3, while dressing as Rommel was Harry’s Mysterious Girl. Marrying was their I’m A Celebrity. The Netflix show is their Katie & Peter: The Next Chapter. 

“We’ll see them living their glamorous celebrity lives, but also at home raising the girls, negotiating deals with Hello! and having screaming rows because Harry’s been texting the blonde from the Saturdays behind Meghan’s back.

“They plan to achieve complete media saturation until all anyone can think of is Harry and Meghan, Meghan and Harry, Harry and f**king Meghan. What a magical fairytale it’ll be until the split.”

The Labour-voting Guardian reader’s guide to having to love Brexit now

LIBERAL Remainer who unfailingly votes Labour? Thanks to Keir Starmer’s hard line on the EU, you’re a Brexiter now. Here’s how to modify your behaviour: 

Get into xenophobia

Got some Brie in the fridge? That’s ‘coward’s cheese’. Chorizo? ‘Lazy siesta sausage’ more likely. Being a tedious, unfunny xenophobe will feel alien at first, but you’ll know you’ve getting it when you instinctively say to your Bosch washing machine ‘Remember Dresden?’

Talk absolute shit

Claim immigrants are coming here to steal jobs while living it up on benefits. When an educated chum points out the obvious contradiction, snort: ‘There’s too many of them. End of.’ You’re a Brexiter now, so that means you’ve won the argument.

Give your support to Starmer in person

Starmer meets the public a fair bit due to by-elections and hanging out in Red Wall seats, so persevere until you get chance to tell him ‘Thank God you’re deporting all the bloody Muslims, Sir Keir!’. He’ll really appreciate your support, especially with TV cameras following him all the time.

Ditch all subtitled DVDs

Jules et Jim and The Seventh Seal can go to Scope. There are only two true masterpieces of cinema: Escape to Victory and The Dam Busters. They’ve even tried to ruin that, by removing a scene with Guy Gibson’s black dog because it was named something that was perfectly okay at the time. Snowflakes.

Act like Brexit saved your job

If not for the referendum, Boris and of course Nigel, you’d be on the streets now. Migrants would have had your job as a quantity surveyor. To prove it, invent an anecdote about a bloke you know at the Arts Council who says they only interview Albanians now. It’s lying bullshit, but that’s Brexit.

Rebook your holiday

Tuscany is not suitable for you now. There are no English pubs, and no mini-marts to buy Pot Noodles and McVitie’s Digestives. Going to a shithole like that is treachery.

Make a twat of yourself on LBC

You’re not a true Brexiter until you’ve humiliated yourself on LBC, rambling inarticulately about why we leave the EU. If you find yourself making a point coherently, leap into surreal xenophobia like ‘I just don’t want my kids growing up speaking Esperanto.’

Plaster your Prius with St George flags

Be patriotic not by making an actual sacrifice for your country, but by having flags all over your car and house. Support England at all times – attend your daughter’s piano recital in an England shirt – and when they lose, treat it as a personal loss, not a conversational minefield you have to bluff your way through with members of the proletariat.

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