Celebrity

MY pick-up techniques are foolproof, but it’s hard to meet women when you’re under house arrest. Undeterred, here are seven inanimate objects I’ve shagged recently.

THE breakup of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Anniston has proven that time is a flat circle. It’s one of many things doomed to repeat itself in 19 years’ time: 

IS that egg on your face, critics? Because you thought Nadine Dorries was finished, but now I’m back with a bold new career of defending a murderer convicted by two juries!

MOLLY-MAE and Tommy Fury have split to live separate lives earning high incomes for seemingly nothing. What these couples do all day is similarly opaque.

TOYAH is the latest addition to the Strictly line-up, but after the recent bullying revelations you’ve got to fear for her safety. Here are the chances of the contestants so far being picked on.

A NEW biography of the Princess of Wales reveals she won her Prince back by dressing as a nurse and performing a professional yet sexy prostate examination.