EVER Googled your name? Okay, a couple of times, but not obsessively because you’re not a total self-regarding narcissist, unlike these celebrities:
Gwyneth Paltrow
Largely eschewing acting to sell fanny-scented candles, plant-based Viagra for women and other mindful bollocks, Gwyneth has disappeared so far up her own arse it’s a wonder she can extend an elegant wrist to search her own name and confirm that she’s adored by a small slice of wealthy white women and ridiculed by everyone else.
Will Smith
The man who brought Pat Butcher’s slapping technique to the Oscars checks daily to see if the world has forgiven him, always concluding ‘Yes!’ and calling his agent to be disabused. While he waits for his inevitable second coming, he picks fights on Letterboxd with anyone who dared give The Legend of Bagger Vance a single star.
Gregg Wallace
‘Two Gs, motherf**ker,’ Gregg hisses daily, like a mobster demanding protection money but alone in front of a screen. As soon as his Google alert notifies him that his name has been misspelled he swings into action as if it’s their fault his parents couldn’t spell ‘Greg’ properly. All three of his divorces were because his wives dropped a ‘G’. Deliberately.
Ed Balls
The former Labour MP turned rotating breakfast stand-in twat has form. On April 28th 2011, while attempting to namesearch, he bungled it and sent a tweet saying ‘Ed Balls’. Ever since, April 28 is celebrated as Ed Balls Day. It’s only time before it becomes a festival as wild and beloved as Mardi Gras.
Donald Trump
Every morning Trump begins maintanance on his enormous crumbling ego by typing his name, his tiny hands clacking away. And, after a few false tries with ‘turmp’ or ‘tupmf’ he finds a golden river of right-wing adoration and bathes deep. Then begins composing requests for their money.
Bono
Like a singing Irish Batman in blue shades and leather trousers, Bono just wants to help people in need. He spends his time Googling his own name waiting for someone, somewhere in trouble to post a message saying: ‘Help me, Bono, I beg of you.’ In the 26 years since Google was launched it has yet to happen, but he lives in hope.
Piers Morgan
Googles himself instead of using PornHub. Images, news, passing references on social media. Before half-an-hour has passed he’s so hard he can barely stand it, then he clears the pipes. Then he does it again.
