Business

A MUGGER has told his victim that he simply needs to accept that he is poorer rather than furthering an inflationary spiral.

ATTENDEES at a business meeting have confirmed all the actual decisions were made in the final fifteen seconds before everyone stood up to leave.

BANKS have advised you, in the light of the ongoing banking crisis, not to get too comfortable in your house because they may need it back.

ONCE again you’re astride the porcelain facing five imaginary millionaires desperate to invest in the game-changing ideas you come up with mid-dump, like these.

ENERGY firms raking in billions of pounds of profit are at a loss as to why nobody is congratulating them.

TIRED of wrestling with your less-expensive direct debit? Why not upgrade to a pre-payment meter we’ll even install for you? Don’t make us ask twice. You’ll regret it.

OIL and gas giant Shell has thanked you for your invaluable contribution to its record profits of £32.2 billion.

HALFORDS can be intimidating for the sensitive, modern man who doesn’t know how to check his oil. Here’s how to ingratiate yourself with the frightening blokes who replace your headlights.

A SELF-EMPLOYED woman completing her tax return is eager to find out how this unimpeachable government will best use her hard-earned money.

FILMS and TV would have us believe that Christmas is when we forget our differences but that’s pure bollocks. These classic lines will incite festive violence.