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How you've ended up subsidising water companies to pass profits to their twat shareholders: a user's guide

WATER bills are to rise, because otherwise businesses failing by every metric would be unable to reward their shareholders. Here’s how that happened: 

1989: Thatcher’s government sells off regional water boards to create privatised water companies. These will be more efficient, because profit. Generous British taxpayers pay for a series of lavish TV adverts for privatisation without complaint.

1990s: The bosses of our new water companies award themselves enormous pay rises, bonuses and share options to become known as ‘fat cats’. Bravely, they do this despite their businesses’ poor financial performance.

2000s: In order to cash in on their share options, the fat cats have no option but to sell the water companies to foreign capital. To make the sale more attractive, they forbear costly and unimportant investment in infrastructure like pipes and reservoirs.

2010s: Cameron’s government, worried that regulation is stifling business innovation, gets rid of it. Grateful owners of water companies respond by ignoring the few regulations left.

2020s: The sewage flowing freely, water companies demand record rises to bills. They explain without such rises they cannot pay dividends to shareholders who will not then invest and they will therefore go bust and leave the country to pay their massive debts.

2024: Taxpayers continue to subsidise English water companies both directly and through bills. Water continues to fall from the sky in record amounts as if it were some sort of abundant national resource. No politician offers any suggestion of how to unf**k this.

Man realises five years later that girlfriend was dumping him

A MAN has realised, five years after the fact, that his last conversation with his girlfriend centred on her ending their relationship.

It dawned on Martin Bishop earlier today that when Nikki Hollis told him in 2019 she did not think they were working any more, she was actually trying to gently tell him she did not want to go out with him.

He said: “Riiight. That actually makes sense of a whole lot of stuff, like where she’s gone.

“It was confusing, because she gave me a lot of eye contact and said about what a great time she’d had and she hoped I’d be happy, all of which positive sentiment meant I wasn’t really listening to the other bits.

“But now I look back on her saying we weren’t compatible and having different hopes for the future, she was actually dumping me in a subtle, coded way all along. Seems obvious in hindsight.

“I guess immediately after we didn’t see each other for a couple of months – Red Dead Redemption II was out, I was busy – and after that she didn’t respond to my texts or calls so I thought I’d give her some space and here we are today.

“Does that mean I’m single? So I didn’t cheat on her last year which I had been feeling a little bit bad about. It’s a load off if I’m honest.”

Hollis, who is now married and expecting her second child, said: “He did take it exceptionally well. As I left he asked if I could lend him 20 quid until Saturday.”

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