HELLO, Double Dave here. Despite Brexit cementing my reputation for being thick as mince, I’m 90 per cent sure Lucy Letby is innocent. I could also help these obvious miscarriages of justice:
The Menendez brothers
Like Lucy Letby, a victim of trial by media. Hungry for ratings, Netflix accused them of murdering their parents and ignored the compelling evidence they were victims of child abuse just because there wasn’t any. And to think these men were multi-millionaires and natural Republican voters who would have backed Trump to the hilt.
Fred West
A clear case of mistaken identity. With his wiry hair and bushy sideburns, Fred was a dead ringer for Mungo Jerry frontman Ray Dorset – who appeared on Top of the Pops when it was hosted by Jimmy Savile. Coincidence? Hardly. Of course, it’s too late for poor old Fred now. Rose West is guilty, however. That’s a separate issue.
Dennis Nilsen
Accused of picking up men and murdering them in a variety of ways. But what if he wasn’t gay? What if he just preferred men’s company? Then the whole case falls apart. Nilsen, a normal heterosexual chap, died behind bars for wanting to talk about football, cars and DIY without silly women giggling and interrupting. I find that disgusting.
Vlad the Impaler
Did Vlad’s supposed crimes really happen? Certainly a wealth of historical evidence exists about his life, brutal nature and fondness for impaling, but there is one fatal flaw: all the witnesses and so-called victims were European. Having dealt directly with the EU, I know how mendacious they are. I’d stake my career on his never having killed anyone.
Hannibal Lecter
It always raises eyebrows when I protest the innocence of eminent psychiatrist Hannibal Lecter. Yes, I admit he is seen sautéing the brains of actor Ray Liotta in the 2001 fly-on-the-wall documentary Hannibal which almost certainly contributed to the actor’s sad demise in 2022, but it is emphatically not murder. Liotta was chatting throughout.
Harold Shipman
Supposedly killed 284 victims over a 30-year period. But once I drilled down into the facts I realised a nice old chap like him couldn’t be a serial killer, because he had a beard like a jolly grandpa. Though he was a doctor and they do go on strike, embarrassing good governments, so they’ve got their evil side. Let’s mark this one unsolved.
Jack the Ripper
Various innocents have been accused of the murders, from the Queen’s grandson to artist Walter Sickert. But who, at the time, would have had a grudge against society and the necessary experience of dissecting things? The answer is obvious: Charles Darwin. To prove we’re descended from monkeys. Case closed. And with a mind like mine arguing her case, Letby will be soon be free.
