YOU bought their records, and now they want you to buy appalling artwork which proves their talent is solely musical. None of these would be hung on merit:
Ronnie Wood, The Rolling Stones. Average price £39,000
Ronnie Wood was admitted into the Stones because he was a laugh and liked a drink. Guitar was secondary. They’ve got Keith for that. Wood deals with his inferiority complex by touting his other so-called talent: paintings of his bandmates. Despite having nothing to do with the truly great Stones records, he sells prints of them for £750. Because he needs the money.
Nicky Wire, the Manic Street Preachers. Average price £750
A bassist, so barely even a musician, with a legacy of rudimentary guitar work and sixth-form poetry. His art? Polaroids with paint slapped around them, imaginatively titled ‘Polaroids and Paintings’. As if your three-year-old had taken a fork to your phone’s screen. Some still available.
Stevie Nicks, Fleetwood Mac. Average price unknown
White witch Stevie channels the spiritual, mystical vibe of her singing into her ethereal artwork, which means they’re all of psychedelic angels but only vaguely look like them. Reputed to sell for tens of thousands, but to be fair to Stevie for much of the 1980s that was a weekend’s coke bill.
Marilyn Manson. Average price £4,000
When your reputation is that of a Satan-worshipping pervert, why not create some pretty artwork to express your gentle, human side? Alternatively, take Manson’s approach and double down by painting nightmarish self-portraits which evoke mutilation and death. This is what happens when you call a baby Brian.
Paul Simonon, The Clash. Average price £1,500
The Clash transcended the ‘anyone can have a go’ punk ethos by writing fantastic songs. Simonon’s paintings, however, are very much those of someone having a bash in their parents’ garage. To be fair, some are of such quality they wouldn’t particularly stand out in a Tenby AirBNB, so art school was worth it.
Bob Dylan. Average price shitloads
It’s hard to criticise Dylan because he’s a cultural icon, so his art is damned with faint praise like ‘competent’ when it’s actually ‘boring’. Sorry Bob, but nobody’s interested in averagely painted images of roads and railway tracks. Nonetheless, signed prints fetch £17,500. Not the original. A print. Guess your fans got rich, huh Bob?
