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Did you invest in crypto because an influencer told you to, you total bellend?

DID you put thousands of pounds into cryptocurrencies you had never previously heard of because a man on YouTube told you to, you absolute knobhead? 

Then – and given your history of decision-making, this may come as a surprise – you have lost all that money and not a person or institution in existence cares to help you get it back.

Perhaps you put your savings into Logan Paul’s memecoins in 2021, in which case you can hardly be surprised to learn you deserve the consequences.

Or maybe you, treating her like a trusted financial advisor, took out a loan to invest in Ethereum Max when it was promoted by Kim Kardashian. The value of those coins is currently $0.0000000003196. The loan you took out remains real.

It could be that, while surfing the internet’s less reputable side, received a pop-up with respected financial journalist Martyn Lewis offering you a crypto deal that was too good to be true and leapt at it. It was not Martyn Lewis. It is never Martyn Lewis.

No matter who you believed or how many followers they have, you made a terrible and obvious mistake. The price you paid was no doubt high. Nonetheless there seems little prospect you will learn.

Go back to your world of trustworthy Instagram stars and friendly YouTubers, all of whom you firmly believe have your best interests at heart. Revel in your blissful naivety. And when offered an investment by a bikini model, pile in! Why not? You’re already stupid!

The seven most infuriating types of climate change denier, ranked

CLIMATE change? No such thing, according to this bunch of contrarian knobheads confident they know best. Here they are, ranked: 

Idiots who think they’re taking on the liberal establishment

A group whose deep political convictions are ‘What do you think? Then I think the opposite’ who are sticking it to The Man, represented by George Clooney, by allying with such radical subversives as Nigel Lawson and ExxonMobil. Have such a confused conception of where power actually resides they consider Darth Vader the scrappy underdog.

Twats with a shred of scientific knowledge

Superficially convincing because they’ve learned some climate jargon and can name the latest scientific reports they don’t understand. Waiting for an actual scientist to pop up and explain they’re wrong so they can accuse him of being a paid shill. Because climate scientists all drive Bugattis to their superyachts.

Free thinkers

Citing an obscure denialist they heard on a podcast, they smugly opine ‘They didn’t believe Galileo when he said the sun was at the centre of the solar system.’ Okay, but the fall of heliocentrism doesn’t show that every theory is going to be proved correct eventually. If it was you’d be dreading the next massive bill from your phlogiston supplier.

The conspiracy nutters

This isn’t their main one. It just comes bundled with the others. They’ll swiftly move on to the globalist agenda, chemtrails, 15-minute cities, FEMA camps, the Great Replacement and 5G nanovaccines from the World Economic Forum. If they were honest, climate change making the world uninhabitable really isn’t their thing.

‘So much for global warming!’ pub bores

Will mocking global warming during winter ever stop being hilarious? Not if you’re stupid. Sadly it’s not a throwaway gag; they genuinely believe a cold, wet week in November negates decades of climate science. That’s just common sense.

Anti-woke obsessives

Their definition of woke is so expansive – everything from avocados to plus-size ladies in Victoria’s Secret shows – that climate change was bound to come under their umbrella. First the woke want to get rid hot anime chicks in video games, now they want us to not boil the planet. Is there no limit to the evil of woke?

The typical mainstream right-wing prick

Ah, the creme de la creme of deniers, those ordinary conservatives happy to act as unpaid PR staff for BP parroting the message that fossil fuels are fine. Or if not fine China’s doing it anyway so we have to. Must save Shell a fortune posh girl PR executives called Sophie and Jocasta. And that’s the real win.

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