TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything:
Holistic decor
Considering the whole room, the entire look in harmony, without minor fixtures like light switches or even worse, smoke alarms standing out. Left exposed they’re eyesores, so paint over that ugly casing and smoke sensor in a good thick gloss. They’ve not had any new batteries since 2002 anyway.
Uniform application
While you’re at it, weatherproof interiors by painting over window locks, plug sockets and dead moths. It gives the room cohesion. Drips everywhere? Like that Pollock bloke innit.
Add vintage touches
Meaning your old shit. All the wonderful built-in storage space you extolled, and have painted shut, is perfect for containing anything you’re reluctant to throw away. A clawfoot bath, a car steering wheel lock, a crate of expired protein milkshakes. And the locked wardrobe, with three padlocks, tenants are expressly forbidden to even look at.
Humanise the space
By doing all the work yourself. We’re talking exposed bathroom wiring, office cupboards in the bedroom and a thrilling melange of different kitchen tiles you got cheap. Walk the line between quirky, inconvenient and illegal under local planning laws and you’ll be as right as the rain pooling in the kitchen.
Mystery and history
A property is a living thing. There’s no shame in exhibiting its rich history of stains and odours. Whether wine, mould or scorch marks, they tell a story of years of habitation, some of which presumably must have been happy. It gives a unique atmosphere as does the chronic damp.
Embrace minimalism
No putting pictures up, as in. The plaster won’t take it and this delightful muddy green wall, reminiscent of an abandoned mental hospital, doesn’t need any more holes. Don’t worry, this won’t affect my keeping your security deposit.
