Tories who hate government and love business asked why they don't do business then

CONSERVATIVE politicians who disdain government and adore business have been advised they could, instead of running for government, run a business. 

As Kemi Badenoch proclaimed that business, not government, will be Britain’s economic saviour voters across the country have wondered why she would then focus all her efforts on getting into government.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Obviously in Kemi’s case any scenario of being in power is purely theoretical. But still, why?

“If you think business is so great then do business. There’s no barriers. You don’t have to depend on your appeal to the voters of East Arseshire. You can be a total prick and still succeed in business, look at Alan Sugar.

“Like, it makes sense why Labour want to get elected. They’re well into the public sector. Stepping up from the local council to Downing Street’s like Ipswich getting into the Premier League for them.

“But if you think the private sector’s better, love hanging around with City boys and thrill at a text from James Dyson, get a job in the City. Then you can do it all the time.”

Conservative chairman Lord Dominic Johnson said: “Yes, but we’re motivated by an altruistic desire to help people. By which we mean businesses.”

We get just as excited for your by-elections, America tells UK

US voters has told their British counterparts that by-elections in Wellingborough hold their rapt attention just as much as presidential elections fascinate the UK. 

With headlines dominated by an election that Britons have no say in, Americans have reassured them that they go through a similar media frenzy whenever the likes of Rochdale or Batley and Spen go to the polls.

Martin Bishop of Little Rock, Arkansas, said: “I feel your pain. When Christopher Skidmore resigned in January, we could only look on powerlessly as the beacon of the free world, Kingswood, hung in the balance.

“Fox News was bludgeoning us with updates around the clock. Elon Musk was busily spreading misinformation about Labour candidate Damien Egan on X. We pored over every fresh poll. I lost a bet that night, and now I have a Professor John Curtice tattoo.”

New Yorker Nikki Hollis added: “UK by-elections are bigger than the Super Bowl around here. My buddies and I are up all night, watching BBC News 24, doing shots and whooping every time we see tired poll clerks wearily tabulating ballot papers.

“The only thing more electrifying than watching West Lancashire or Tamworth battle it out are the Police and Crime Commissioner elections. They bring Time Square to a standstill like the last episode of Seinfeld.”

Julian Cook of Croydon said: “Oh good. Because my office considers my Kamala obsession makes me some kind of impotent, doom-mongering freak.”