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Man and woman who keep seeing each other on dating apps judging each other for it

A SINGLE man and single woman who keep seeing each other’s faces pop up on dating apps both find the other pathetic for still being there. 

Lucy Parry and Oliver O’Connor, each aged 32, are so familiar with each other on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Match they shake their heads and murmur ‘God, the desperation’ when their counterpart adds a new photo.

Parry said: “I’m only single because I’m picky. He’s single because no girl’s swiping a profile where he claims to be a ‘sapiosexual attracted only to inteligence’ but he’s spelt intelligence wrong.

“Every time I’m on, which isn’t that often, only when I’m exceptionally horny or I’ve been invited to the wedding of a relative whose birth I remember, there he bloody is like the ghost of f**kbois past. He was even in Bristol when I was, fishing around. Pitiful.”

O’Connor said: “I’m not ready to settle down but look at her pleading eyes. She’d be showing you cat pictures and asking about your sperm’s motility on date one.

“The apps should have time limits for cases like hers. 18 months and after that you can only swipe right on convents. Imagine her face when she gets a match, like a Victorian street urchin spotting an unattended ham.

“She was even in Bristol when I was last month, desperately trying to reel in a new sucker. F**k that for a box of soldiers. It’s just she’s so wretchedly needy. Which I’m not.” 

Pretend you've never heard of Microsoft Word: how to get out of work tasks, fast

ASKED to do something at work, which is really unfair considering the weekend you’ve had? Determined to lower expectations? Try these simple techniques: 

Feign ignorance of Word

Your boss has sent you a 200-page document and asked you to proofread it, which is basically an admission she’s not done her job properly. Gaze in slack-jawed bewilderment at your screen, asking how ‘this miraculous cascade of words was ever wrangled’. Lose the cursor frequently. They may print it off, but more likely it’ll get handed to an intern.

Go to the toilet nine times an hour

‘Excuse me, I need to visit the toilet’ is a request no manager can deny. When made politely but with worrying frequency they’ll have no option but to assume you very ill, bravely soldiering on, possibly extremely contagious. Working from home? Leave the camera trained on the bathroom door, ominously. Yelp for effect.

Give yourself ‘situational dyslexia’

A genuine learning disability would be annoying and inconvenient. Diagnosing yourself with one that only flares up when you’re asked to check a Powerpoint? Bulletproof. It’s intermittent, which is why you read the Christmas party invite in seconds but Jan’s email about ‘financially-evidenced client engagement portfolio’ is illegible to you.

Be in meetings while in meetings

Meetings are an old excuse. But meetings on meetings on meetings? Sitting in a meeting, on Teams, telling the person on screen you’re in a meeting then switching to another meeting and then another meeting before looking up to the meeting you’re physically in and asking if they mind if your other meeting comes in here? Impregnable.

Start a GoFundMe

Don’t be specific. Just say that you hate to ask for money but your situation leaves you no choice and unless you hit the target by Friday that will unfortunately be it. Nobody will want to ask, a rumour you’re dying will grip the office, and asking you to digitise VAT receipts will seem crass and insensitive. You’ll live, but the work will miraculously have been done.

Delegate infinitely

Your boss says you need managerial experience? What’s more managerial than getting other people to do your work? Delegate everything. Delegate your delegation. There’s no job to small for you to pass on to others. You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how many requests are solved by the person involved doing it for them-f**king-selves.

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