Arts & Entertainment

YOU didn’t expect to see tits in Oppenheimer, did you? You thought it’d all be nuclear tests and physics, but there they were. Here are my next prestige film projects featuring lovely funbags.

THE triumphant Barbie movie tells audiences men are brutes who must be stripped of their democratic rights and kept as pets. What other films have jarring subtexts?

A GROUP of snarky wankers have announced they will be seeing Oppenheimer and Barbie as a double bill to prove how quirky they are.

GOT a guitar but crap at it? Once sang in a band until you were replaced without even being told until you arrived at rehearsal? You still could have made it in these.

YOU feel obliged to dismiss novelty songs as rubbish in case you look like a tasteless pleb, but there are some that you secretly adore, like these.

YOU don’t mind ‘Where are they now?’ articles if they’re about properly old TV shows like Upstairs, Downstairs. But now they seem to be suggesting you’re old yourself. Avoid these.

DID you spend hours at school murdering songs on the guitar or recorder, or just by singing them? Here are some teachers’ favourites you’d rather kill yourself than ever hear again.

A WOMAN who makes dreadful craft items and gives them to friends and family genuinely believes she could make money out it.

ARE you looking to pull on a night out clubbing? Unfortunately for you, your dancing is already warning any potential partner just how atrocious you’ll be in the bedroom.

SUFFERING undue concern in regard to attendance at Miss Swift’s upcoming Eras tour in the UK? Agonise no further. I, Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, may help.