YOU don’t mind ‘Where are they now?’ articles if they’re about properly old TV shows like Upstairs, Downstairs. But now they seem to be suggesting you’re old yourself. Avoid these.
The Office
Oh come on. Tim is Bilbo Baggins these days and you remember the David Brent dance like it was yesterday. Except yesterday was 2001. Where the f**king hell did 22 years go? Actually the answer is right in front of you as you slob out knackered from a day at work while your kids annoy you. Maybe you can sue them for stealing your life when they’re a bit older.
Coupling
Coupling wasn’t that long ago. Admittedly you only watched it because Sarah Alexander was in it, but she’s pretty young, right? Oh. She’s 52. Christ, it was 23 years ago. That’s like a quarter of a century. Still, this does slightly improve your chances of pulling Sarah Alexander. Look on the bright side, granddad.
Ashes to Ashes
2008 is way too recent for a ‘Where are they now?’. On the other hand, you could serve a prison sentence for murder in the same timespan. Maybe you should have murdered someone you really hated instead of wasting hours on this Sweeney fanfic with a confusing ‘They’re in the afterlife!’ ending.
2point4 Children
A family sitcom people didn’t love or hate, and were more just ‘aware of’. Praise indeed. You don’t know where the cast are now because you couldn’t be bothered to read the article. However, realising it dates back to 1991 makes you feel incredibly old and arthritic because its timeless, generic nature had you thinking it was from about 2015.
Tiswas
Chris Tarrant’s career is no mystery, but Sally James, since you’re curious, did occasional panto appearances then ran a business selling school uniforms. However the very mention of Tiswas (1974-82) is a kick in the teeth, reminding you your childhood was an entirely different era when your parents didn’t have a phone and sexism was great. Try to explain pre-internet life to a young person now and they’d rightly wonder what you did all day. Mainly eating Angel Delight and sitting mindlessly on the swings in the park as if lobotomised, is the answer.
Bonekickers
Unbelievably bollocks show about archaeology and conspiracies somehow even worse than The Da Vinci Code. Where they are now isn’t terribly interesting because the likes of Julie Graham and Hugh Bonneville are still acting in, by definition, better things. It’s tragic because it was 15 years ago, during which you got chunky and your precious youth ebbed away, some of it frittered on this dogshit.
This Life
Superior confused 20-something drama you could kind of relate to as a confused but less successful 20-something. In fact you remember it vividly: Anna’s drink problem, Miles’ mental girlfriend, Egg’s lack of direction. So it couldn’t have been that long – shit, it was f**king 1996! That really is the distant past. Tony Blair was about to win the 1997 election and he looks like f**king Nosferatu now. Still, it helps fill a bored evening if you google the attractive one Millie punched. (Natasha Little if you want to save yourself some time.)
