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Woman's entire personality is hating her husband

A WOMAN has decided to dedicate her every waking moment to slagging off the man she chose to marry.

Kelly Howard considered taking up a relaxing or self-improving hobby such as crochet or Zumba, but instead came to the conclusion that talking non-stop shit about her useless husband would fulfil her the most.

Howard said: “I’m a really interesting person to talk to. I’ve got stories about how I hate what my husband wears, why all of his decisions are stupid, and how his ape-like mouth-breathing makes me want to power an electric drill right through his skull.

“People have suggested I should have a wider variety of pastimes, but despising your spouse is actually a very versatile activity. I can moan about him at work, in the gym, to my friends, to the postman, and even to strangers I start chatting with at the bus stop.

“Why did I marry him? Well, I’d spent the previous ten years bitching about how much I hated being single, so I thought it was time for a change.”

Kelly’s husband Stephen said: “Oh yes, we both f**king loathe each other, so really we should get divorced. But we decided against that, as then neither of us would have anything to talk about anymore.”

Dear Deirdre, I hate the BBC so much I might have f**ked my newspaper

I RAN a story about my pet hate that may or may not be true and now I might lose everything. What should I do?

I trusted the word of a couple of randoms who said a BBC presenter paid their teenager to do despicable things. But now the teenager is an adult and says it’s a lie which puts me in a bind.

I’m 92 and own loads of the media. The BBC is 100 and has been a real thorn in my side for decades. So imagine my delight when I thought I finally had them cornered.

This story had everything. Sex, drugs, money, the works. This is it, I thought, time to bring down my sworn enemy for good. Then the lawyers swooped in and everything got a bit complicated.

Turns out I can’t print whatever I want and get away with it. There are all these pesky laws which demand I provide evidence. Talk about annoying.

The trouble is that I’d sort of already broken the news but not really. I put it out there cryptically, taking care not to mention names but making sure ‘BBC presenter’ was front and centre of every headline. Then I sat back and let social media take it from there.

And now the little oik at the heart of the story is saying their estranged parents were talking rubbish all along. Does this mean other sources I’ve trusted and printed as fact over the years were lying too? It’s really knocked my confidence.

I’m trying to deflect blame onto the BBC but who knows if that will work. Some people are even using the scandal to come after me even though I’m obviously totally innocent in all this.

The worry is that my newspaper will be destroyed in the process. I’ve already had to call off a wedding this year so this is the last thing I need. Any advice?

Yours,

RM.

DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so sorry.

You let your obsessive hatred get in the way of the journalistic integrity you arguably never had.

These mystery parents who popped up out of nowhere with a wildly scandalous accusation were people you thought you could trust. But maybe you’ve dodged a bullet this time by not revealing the presenter’s name.

And at least you didn’t print articles on undisputably factual situations like Ukraine or the cost of living crisis. That would have been boring.

You would be better off focusing on stories about breasts, boobs, tits and fun bags, as these are clearly where your strengths lie.

My support pack called Basic Media Training For Power-Crazed Business Moguls is on its way to you. Hope that helps.

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