More films I intend to unexpectedly put tits in. By Christopher Nolan

26th July 2023

YOU didn’t expect to see tits in Oppenheimer, did you? You thought it’d all be nuclear tests and physics, but there they were. Here are my next prestige film projects featuring lovely funbags.

Nietzsche

Friedrich Nietzsche’s nihilist philosophy is crying out to be made into next year’s big summer blockbuster. I’ve got a great scene planned where Friedrich is saying his famous ‘If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes into you’ quote while his wife (Emily Blunt, ideally) wanks him off. Topless.

The Battle of Austerlitz

Napoleon’s 1805 victory over 90,000 Russian and Austrian troops with a smaller French force is crying out for a definitive, big budget, historically accurate production. Sure, the characters will mostly be horrible dirty soldiers with beards, but I think it’s time we recognised the role Josephine Bonaparte played. I reckon she told Napoleon all the best tactics, probably while doing things like having a bath.

Einstein

Films about geniuses are pure Oscar bait, and Einstein was married, twice in fact, so tits aren’t a problem, unlike with Alan Turing. I’m thinking Florence Pugh for Wife 1, then Wife 2 can be Megan Fox. She got them out for Jennifer’s Body and I’m sure she won’t mind me saying she’s got cracking norks.

The Dark Knight: Demise of Voyeur

I felt I’d successfully concluded my retelling of the Batman saga, but I quite fancy buying a luxury cottage in Cornwall so it’s time to revisit the franchise. Christian Bale’s up for it, but he’s a bit serious, so we need some tits. To this end I’ve invented a new supervillain, Voyeur, who can see through walls, bank vaults, dresses, etc. Talk about lateral thinking. I’m struggling with the female lead though because Marvel’s snapped up all the actresses and superhero IPs. Maybe Jodie Comer as my own creation, Otter Girl?

Beaufort

I’ll admit the life of Irish hydrographer Francis Beaufort and his quest to create a standardised wind speed scale for use at sea doesn’t sound massively promising, but Hiroshima isn’t exactly feelgood summer fun and Oppenheimer is doing fine. I’m going to repeat the formula and have Beaufort fall in love with a sexy mermaid. Anya Taylor-Joy is hot property right now, and I’m pretty sure mermaids don’t wear bras made out of clam shells in real life.

Dunkirk 2

No one liked Tenet, but they liked Dunkirk even though it’s pretentious and unrealistic. So an obvious future project is Dunkirk 2: The Evacuation Continues. There were hardly any babes in the original, so not many opportunities for boobs, and the nurse on the ship was my cousin, so that would have been weird. This time there’ll be a whole company of sexy Wrens getting changed when a Stuka attacks.

Thatcher

Yes, The Iron Lady with Meryl Streep wasn’t that long ago but no one really remembers it, and the reason is obvious – tits, or the lack thereof. I’ve got my reservations about topless Maggie, but I think the right actor could give her a warmth and humour that was totally absent in real life, and that actor is obviously Margot Robbie. I’d better check she’s okay with taking her top off and causing mass unemployment though.

How to become a member of the House of Lords by age 30

26th July 2023

ARE you an ambitious young politico hoping to peak early? Here is a guide to becoming a life peer while your mates are still living in house shares.

Make connections

Becoming a Baroness requires more than political nous – it also involves being mates with someone with influence. Find a politician known for their poor decisions and shamelessly exploiting their position, and become part of their horrible posse. Someone like Boris Johnson fits these criteria and being blonde is a definite plus. Just ask Jennifer Arcuri.

Keep a low profile

There’s a lot of nonsense talked about ‘hard work’ and ‘making a difference’. Attracting attention with important or influential work just gives haters things to criticise. Keep your head down, do your undefined duties in an unexceptional way, and think about how nice you’ll look in your ermine cloak.

Get the right work experience

Lords used to be people who’d dedicated their lives to public service, but you have to fast-forward things a bit. Straight out of uni, get a very junior role in the office of a politician, then keep jumping onto more powerful people like a hungry tick. After three or four years of pointless admin you’ll have learned no skills except inputting your boss’ dubious expenses on Excel, but that’s fine for becoming a lawmaker in Britain.

Embrace your lack of ability

It’s easy to feel ‘impostor syndrome’ when you’re highly rewarded for contributing nothing. Don’t do yourself down. The vast majority of MPs owe their success entirely to being in the right party clique when they won an election courtesy of the Tory press. Rishi Sunak got where he is by being fractionally less shit than everyone else, and Jonathan Gullis MP would not look out of place in a zoo. You’re every bit as good as them.

Be born lucky

Let’s face it – some people are just born lucky, whether it’s being in the right place at the right time, or having a special, indefinable spark that leads them to great success. Precisely what your indefinable spark is is unclear, but let’s just hope it doesn’t result in an investigation into cronyism, nepotism or corruption on the part of Boris.