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Woman thinks crafts she forces on her friends could be full-time business

A WOMAN who makes dreadful craft items and gives them to friends and family genuinely believes she could make money out it.

Donna Sheridan got into macrame during lockdown, before moving on to crochet, decoupage and candle-making, and did not drop her weird hobby like everybody else once restrictions were lifted.

Friend Sophie Rodriguez said: “We’ve enabled her by all politely following her ‘Crazy Crafter’ account on Instagram, but, to be honest, I’d find it less offensive if she put up topless pictures instead.

“And not only do we have to pretend to like her monstrous creations online, but she gives us them as presents, which means my living room is full of misshapen pottery and ugly felted gnomes as she gets upset if she comes over and they aren’t on display.

“Now she’s talking about making it her full-time job and thinks the big money-maker will be her ‘resin art’, where she pours enough liquid plastic to kill a family of sea turtles over some dried flowers and glitter.

“We’ve tried to explain how hard it is to keep a small business afloat but she’s already handed in her notice. We’re going to draw straws to decide which of us will have Donna and her desktop knitting machine living in our spare room by Christmas.”

A flower arch, and five other things that will date your wedding horribly

ALL couples think their wedding is utterly special and unique, but every element they’ve chosen will date it horribly. Like these:

Flower arches

Whether it’s an arch, a wall, or a grossly oversized centrepiece, nobody needs that much nature encroaching on their big day. Your guests will barely be able to see the vows due to the fronds and blooms covering you, and all that incredible floral artistry you spent a fortune on will end up being used for just a single photo.

Quirky photo booths

Nothing says cringe like a cardboard cut-out of a moustache on a stick being half-heartedly held up to the face of an elderly relative who hasn’t got a clue what’s going on. And all you’ll end up with aside from that is 137 close-ups of various groomsmen’s bums and a terrible picture of the bride who went in for a drunken cry after midnight.

Pick-and-mix sweet carts

It looked so cute in the photo you saw on Pinterest, but the reality is that after the guests have spent the day swilling Prosecco you’ll end up with a dance floor so covered in jelly beans and foam shrimps that people will be sticking to it. The only food that needs to be served after the main meal are bacon sandwiches at midnight to soak up the booze.

Calligraphy signs everywhere

Are your guests so mentally deficient that they really need a delicate sign pointing them to the bar, their table, the toilet and the giant Jenga which is the only thing they have to entertain them during the interminable wait while the photos are taken? Every wedding has the same curly font which will look about as stylish as Comic Sans in five years’ time.

Light-up letters

They were cool at first, but now these giant light-up letters are less original than the father of the bride’s speech. Whether they spell out your initials or something utterly banal like ‘Love’, your wedding will look like a cross between a carnival and a lightbulb showroom, and your guests won’t be impressed, even though they cost a f**king fortune to hire.

Tables with stupid names

Do you really want your once-in-a-lifetime event to be permanently connected to whatever TV show or niche interest you were into at the time? Your grandpa doesn’t appreciate being sat at table ‘Succession’ and naming the bridesmaids’ table after Cersei Lannister won’t endear them to you. Numbers have worked fine for thousands of years for a reason.

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