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What your uncoordinated white guy dance moves say about you as a lover

ARE you looking to pull on a night out clubbing? Unfortunately for you, your dancing is already warning any potential partner just how atrocious you’ll be in the bedroom.

Thrusting

What woman wouldn’t be attracted to a pissed man erratically trying to hump the air in time to Eye of the Tiger? If your dancing is this groin-oriented, you’re likely overcompensating for something. Anyone lucky enough to pull you is in for 11 to 15 seconds of wild intercourse.

The Macarena

The most obvious and well-known of all dances. A routine so simple, even your nan can pull it off at a wedding. However, for all its accessibility, it’s sexual suicide to break it out in a club. It screams that you’re profoundly tedious and predictable, and only have sex in the missionary position. Taking your socks off would just be perverted.

The worm (badly)

You have to be pretty limber to do this, so chances are you’ll just squirm around helplessly like a child dicking about in the playground. It also smacks of overconfidence in your own abilities, implying you’ll be some sleazeball going ‘D’you like that, baby? Yeah?’ throughout sex. Just to top it off, after lying down on the dancefloor you will probably be quite grubby. Best avoided.

Fist-pumping

When philosopher Thomas Hobbes theorised that the life of pre-modern humans was ‘nasty, brutish and short’ he could equally have been describing how anyone who thinks fist-pumping is an acceptable form of dancing makes love. If your default response to hearing music is to try beat up the air, then you’re probably not going to be a very sensitive lover.

Clapping

Clapping your hands in time to a song is perhaps the go-to dance for every middle-aged uncle in history, and as such you’ll be regarded as sexually toxic. Frankly, it’s doubtful whether you’ve ever even actually had sex if this is all you’ve got to offer on a dancefloor.

Ironic

While you might think that throwing some ironic dance moves shows you’ve got a sense of humour, you’re mistaken. All it proves is that you’re far too insecure about your own body to actually dance, and therefore make love, with confidence. It’s almost guaranteed that you’ll continue making jokes during sex to relieve your feelings of tension. No one wants to hear you say ‘Thar she blows!’ at the point of orgasm.

Iggy Pop off his face on drugs, and other celebrities you'd like to see in the crowd at Wimbledon

THE famous people in the crowd at Wimbledon are always incredibly bland and well-behaved. Which ‘edgy’ celebrities would liven things up a bit?

Iggy Pop

Wimbledon is terribly genteel and pleasant, with the hardest mind-altering substance available being a glass of Pimms. Imagine Iggy Pop as he was back in the day, off his tits on a cocktail of heroin, LSD and cocaine, smashing glasses and dripping blood everywhere. He could take over the singsong from Cliff Richard and do a rendition of Lust for Life before getting everyone to shoot up on Centre Court.

Kanye West

There’s a lot about Kanye that would upset the quiet and respectful Wimbledon attendees, but his main problem with being in the crowd would be his dislike of being photographed without his consent. As soon as he spotted himself on the big screen he’d be clambering down the seats and punching out a mild-mannered BBC cameraperson in front of Andy Murray. Also it’s probably against Wimbledon’s dress code to come as Hitler.

Lady Gaga in her meat dress

Princess Kate has been seen in the stands this year wearing a tasteful mint green blazer and pleated skirt. It would be far more interesting to see Lady Gaga decked out in her meat dress chatting happily to Roger Federer. Not so fun for him though, because if it was a hot day she’d stink.

Slipknot

No doubt the nu metal band have lovely personalities, and maybe even enjoy watching a good game of tennis, but if they turned up in their usual attire of all black clothes and horrifically creepy masks, they’d put all the nice Home Counties ladies right off their strawberries. Then they’d freak everyone else out by being incredibly polite and well-spoken when interviewed by Annabel Croft. 

Delia Smith pissed

Delia Smith has got form for livening up sporting events by being shitfaced, like the time she got a microphone and bellowed ‘Let’s be ‘avin’ you!’ at unenthusiastic Norwich supporters during a football match. Ply her with wine and let her loose on Wimbledon, it would do a lot to relieve the tedium.

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