SUFFERING undue concern in regard to attendance at Miss Swift’s upcoming Eras tour in the UK? Agonise no further. I, Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, may help.
Due to my connections in the Conservative party, the monarchy and the higher echelons of Ticketmaster – invaluable for seeing the Band of the Grenadier Guards perform Jerusalem – I may claim six tickets for any venue of this grand tour of the European continent.
And, as my cerebellum is unmarked by lesions, I have no desire to see a colonial woman perform ditties liable to engender hysteria in the weak. Therefore, I elect to give them away.
My criteria are simple and easy to meet. First, you must be a member of the Conservative party. I imagine the majority of women aged 18-25 already are.
Second, it is imperative you be of good schooling. Roedean, Wycombe Abbey, Cheltenham Ladies’ College; all are acceptable. If you do not attend a fee-paying school your parents are under no financial pressure so you may purchase tickets yourself.
Third, decorum. Propriety forbids my going into detail, but an examination by a licenced physician will be necessary. Exceptions for horse riding must be fully documented.
Finally, a brief Classics examination should sort the wheat from the chaff. Conducted entirely in Latin, successful candidates will demonstrate their knowledge of Horace, Cicero, and Pliny the Younger.
Rest assured this is not a hoax, a jape or some crude form of satire. Send all applications, sealed and witnessed, to the office of Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg MP without delay.
