Sport

AFTER a summer of frenzied activity, football agents have returned to their slumber on huge piles of money.

NOTHING would have induced me to flee to Manchester, not even £16m.

THE closing of the football transfer window has been made a public holiday, because no work gets done that day anyway.

ARSENE Wenger has reluctantly re-introduced calcium to his team's diet after Olivier Giroud broke a tibia.

NK MARIBOR has finally put an end to Celtic's Champions League campaign by removing its players' heads and burning their remains.

FOLLOWING the successful example of MK Dons, Manchester United is to set up in the same town under the name MK Mancs.

MANCHESTER United has banned all spectators because they're putting off the players.

MARIO Balotelli has assured the Liverpool management that he has all the equipment he needs.

ARSENAL’S poor performance against Besiktas has been blamed on the rigours of playing football for nearly a fortnight.

PREMIER League referee Chris Foy faces an investigation after using vanishing spray to push party guests back 10 yards.