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I swim drunk all the time, says Phelps

SWIMMER Michael Phelps has admitted winning his Olympic medals while drunk on home-brewed hooch.

Really wants a kebab after this

Following his arrest for drink-driving, the 18-time Olympic champion revealed that alcohol made him a more relaxed, more confident swimmer.

Phelps said: “I’m actually scared of water so I would always have a few jars of something before jumping in. The courage and determination it gives you is remarkable.

“Usually a couple of pints of cider, topped off with a shot of rum, or whisky if it’s cold outside.

“When I’m competing, I add a few glasses of oak-aged brandy to get me in the mood, plus a little something I make at home from potatoes and treacle, which really puts hairs on my chest. Which I then have to wax off, obviously.

“I mistakenly thought drinking before driving a car was even safer, because you can’t drown.”

Phelps now faces losing his endorsement deals with Budweiser, Jose Cuervo and White Lightning.

A spokesman for the International Swimming Federation said: “Mr Phelps has to understand that sinking a two-litre bottle of schnapps might be acceptable behaviour in the pool, but the rules are different in the outside world.”

“However if everyone kept referring to me with the adjective ‘winningest’, I’d probably hit the sauce.”

Affleck insists it’s okay for him to make-up stuff about Muslims

BEN Affleck has revealed it is okay to invent behaviour by Muslims as long as it is part of a serious film.

The actor and director said he made-up the scene at the end of Argo, featuring  the horrible Iranian airport guards, because it was more exciting.

He added: “The Americans actually went throughout passport control without any bother. But then I wouldn’t have been able to do those tense close-ups on the evil face of the really scary guard.

“So, I hope you don’t think that all Iranian airport guards are like that, especially if you’ve had enough spare time to research the true story of Argo.”

He added: “And let’s remember that Argo was a piece of cinema and starred people like me and Bryan Cranston. If it had been made by the Farrelly Brothers I would have been as appalled as anyone with these pathetic stereotypes.”

 

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