subscribe
/ Sign Out

Police ban anti-San Marino demonstrations

FOOTBALL fans have been warned against mocking first century stonecutter Marinus of Arbe as England prepares to face San Marino.

“Boo”

A frenzied capacity crowd is expected at Wembley Stadium as England renew their fierce rivalry against San Marino, but fans have been reminded not to let their emotions get out of control.

Police spokesman Tom Logan said: “There’s always a tense atmosphere whenever San Marino are in town, but we are hoping the game will pass off without the ugly scenes that have marred past encounters.

“We will be adopting a zero tolerance policy towards anyone chanting about San Marino being landlocked or making derogatory remarks about their traditional multi-layered cakes.

“Our advice to the Sammarinese community in London tonight is to all gather in one house and stay there.”

The last time the two sides met, England won 8-0 in San Marino and jubilant fans went on a rampage which ended when they sheepishly realised they had crossed the border into Italy.

England fan Wayne Hayes said: “I’m not a violent person, but I just hate their enclaved micro state so much, it makes me crazy. They love looking down on other countries from their picturesque hilltop castles.”

However few people in San Marino have heard of England, with a recent survey showing most residents believe it is part of Scotland.

Candy Crush Norse saga discovered

THE original Norse legend upon which the Candy Crush Saga is based has been unearthed by archaeologists.

A timeless tale of heroism

Manuscripts found in a Viking burial site in Norway detail the epic adventures of King Ragnar the Rotten-Toothed, who sailed to a land covered in boiled sweets.

Historian Denys Finch Hatton said: “This changes everything we thought we knew about the Vikings, who it turns out were not preoccupied by conquest, rape and pillage but by confectionary-based puzzles.

“The scrolls tell that Ragnar and his warriors journeyed through a land in which travel was only allowed after correctly aligning brightly coloured sweets, which for some reason would then explode.

“Why any society would have such rules in place is unclear, but Ragnar reports that the whole experience is ‘incredibly addictive’ to the extent that he repeatedly hands over gold coins to continue his quest.

“Like other Norse legends it includes clearly mythological elements, in this case a dragon who is sad because he has run out of lemonade. This is fascinating because we had not previously realised the Vikings were into nauseating tweeness.

“Elements of the story remain a mystery, such as the role of a small girl who acts a guide and appears to suffer from several physical deformities.

“I believe that Ragnar’s unending battle against sweets is in fact a powerful allegory for man’s constant struggle to survive in a harsh and dangerous world.”

Next story ›