Sport

MANCHESTER United has made Wayne Rooney its new captain as reward for his unswerving dedication to the club.

JOSE Mourinho’s Chelsea will be the plucky minnows when they visit newly promoted Burnley.

GLENN Hoddle believes that signing to QPR will result in his getting a regular midfield run-out.

CELTIC has invented a fictional hero to take credit for the three goals it never scored.

THE Premier League title will be given to the team whose manager is the biggest lunatic, it has emerged.

RORY McIlroy must fight a legendary monster before being granted entry to golf's hall of heroes.

LOUIS van Gaal has cemented his status as the greatest manager in Manchester United’s history by winning the coveted Guinness International Champions Cup.

THE Premier League clubs touring the USA have informed their fans they prefer it over there and they're not coming back.

SOFTLY-SPOKEN Paul Scholes will be voiced by Julie Walters when he appears as a pundit on BT Sport.

GLASGOW'S Commonwealth Games officials have confirmed that Usain Bolt is a dead man walking.