Sport

FOOTBALL fans have been warned against mocking first century stonecutter Marinus of Arbe as England prepares to face San Marino.

SWIMMER Michael Phelps has admitted winning his Olympic medals while drunk on home-brewed hooch.

NEWCASTLE manager Alan Pardew has ignored enquiries about the huge sword suspended point-down above him by a single thread.

MANCHESTER United fans are communicating anything that pops into their heads via plane banners.

RYDER Cup fans have been warned that golf is a boring pastime for twats.

STEVEN Gerrard is responsible not only for Liverpool’s poor start to the season but all war, disease and famine, it has been claimed.

INVESTORS have withdrawn a bid for Tottenham Hotspur after seeing them in action.

AMERICAN investor Stan Kroenke is treating Arsenal like some sort of investment, according to angry fans.

UK-BASED fans of American football are to be allowed to openly discuss the sport for one day.

LOUIS van Gaal has claimed that football must be freed from the shackles of maths.